Saturday, February 13, 2010

Cathartic Confession & Rant.

There comes a time where every twenty-something wants to know something. Usually it's their purpose. We want to know what our unique gift is that we can give to the world and make it better. Better for themselves and better for everyone around them. As adults we try to improve ourselves- that is if we're decent human beings- we realize our imperfections and try to fix them. We realize that we can never be perfect but to strive towards our potential is critical in our development.

Every day I get older. A click of the dial, a flip of a page, a space bar on my keyboard, and I am older. I always liked the concept of aging, I know that I am a minority when it comes to liking the aging process, but I like to look at life as a bottle of wine- it gets better with age. Lately, I've been struggling with a lot of things. My youth, my friendships, my home, my life as I know it is changing at a rapid pace. Some of the beautiful faces have gone, new ones have come in, the best of the beauties have been with me, by my side, for 7 years, 15 years, 20 years, and my whole life. I just want to say, regardless of where we ended up, I am thankful for every person I have ever met in my life.

Change is coming. The deceptive death card. I'm terrified and exhilarated. I can actually FEEL the dawning of the age of Aquarius. A sense of pride and an emotional upheaval courses through me. I want to be happy. I want to live. I want I want I want. Desire fills me to the brim but I don't know what it is that I desire. The 20 something dilemma. What is my purpose? What gift can I POSSIBLY give this world that she doesn't already have? What present could I offer that she already isn't getting from more qualified and beautiful people? I'm not asking for you to tell me. I know this is something I have to find out on my own.

One of my dearest friends pointed out last night over sangria that social networks, blogs, hell everything that has a "profile" is a modernized shrine to the self. This fascinated me and has been haunting me all morning. My facebook page is like an Easter Island Head. Look at me. Identify me. SEE my individual self, and how it is one out of thousands. You know me. You see me even if we aren't seen in real life. Is that me? Is this blog who I am? What about my design? The nature of my soul? Are these things that can be processed and turned into digital information and then can I make some sense of it? Can I make some sense of self?

I really don't know why I am writing this. I am struggling to understand EVERYTHING lately. I guess I just realized that I needed to put this out there even if no one ever reads it. I am an honest person (or at least I strive to be) and I think that by writing my hopes, doubts, and fears on this virtual wall I'll be able to see "it" more clearly. Whatever that "it" means.

Can you sense my longing? My search? This is a dramatic entry I know, and I have a VERY hard time taking myself seriously but something in me has driven me to want to write it down and make a public outcry of my confusion and frustration... I think that by sharing this, it makes the problem smaller, less scary, more manageable. Does that make sense? Once something is SAID, WRITTEN, expressed in some form, it's out there and not just nestled inside of you where it's good for no one, especially for yourself. It's like saying I love you, or thank you, or I'm sorry. It doesn't do any good to keep that in.

So, out it goes.

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